Oh, hi there.

So, as it turns out, starting a blog about the treadmill did not actually inspire me to, you know, get on a treadmill. Oops.

The Monday after my race, I was still awfully sore, so I gave myself the day off. And then work got busy. And then, and then, and then. It's a lot easier to break a habit than to make one.

And then last week, I was reading another blog, about the blogger's gym pet peeves. It really bothered me, and it's still under my skin, in the worst kind of way. I hate to say it, but sometimes, other people are a big part of the reason why I don't make the extra effort to go to the gym.

The thing that I think a lot of already fit people don't get, especially people who have always been fit, is that just walking into the gym is a horrifying obstacle course of insecurity for a lot of people.

I spent a lot of time actively working on getting past a lot of my gym insecurities. I reasoned that since I'm not at the gym judging other people, they probably aren't judging me, either. That everyone is there for themselves, and surely, I'm just not that important. The other women in the locker room are just as insecure as I am about being half-naked in front of strangers, so they're too busy trying to get dressed to stare at me and judge my body. Right?

And then I read blogs (and the comments) that complain about things like "You're breathing too hard" and "Seriously? Makeup? AT THE GYM?" I hate that stuff like this affects me, because it really, really shouldn't. But it does.

So now, every night when I think "okay, pack a bag for the gym tomorrow" all I can think in response is, "But you'll just be that girl. That girl who breaths too heavily and makes other people uncomfortable. Or someone will think it's crazy pants that you have makeup on. And all those people who you thought weren't judging you? They are. They judge you and then they go home and blog about how gross you make their gym experience."

A big part of me wants to go back to this blog and add a comment of my own. A lone voice in the crowd of "haha! Yeah! I hate the divas with their makeup! And the heavy breathers suck!" comments. A voice that says "I breathe heavily because this is really hard for me. It's so hard, and you judging me from three machines over just makes it harder. And I have makeup on because I came straight from work, and I never remember to pack the makeup remover wipes, and if I wash my face in the sink with the hand soap, I'm going to break out. I had to choose between working out in makeup, or not working out at all."

The rest of me, though? The rest of me knows that ultimately, none of that matters. The people who judge don't care about if there's a reason behind why those things happen. They just want to use me as a reason to feel better about themselves.

And ultimately, none of that matters, because Random Blogger is not the arbiter of who is allowed to work out at the gym. This is the lesson I need to remember, because at the end of the day, Judgey McStupidFace down there at the end? I'm burning calories whether she likes it or not. There's still hope that I won't always be fat, but I'm pretty sure that girl is always going to be the kind of sucky person who judges other people for breathing heavily at the gym.

I just wish that the people who put themselves out there as encouraging a healthy, active lifestyle would maybe...stop alienating a big part of the population that really needs the encouragement.

As far as my own gym pet peeves? People who don't wipe machines down after they sweat on them. People who stare in the locker room. People who are waaaay too naked for waaaay too long in the locker room. Over-enthusiastic lotion appliers. (Those last two groups have a really disturbing overlap. It is the soundtrack to my nightmares, y'all.) People who look at my treadmill stats and openly scoff. Everyone else? Keep on rockin' on, friends.

Now that I've vented all over you, what are your gym peeves? Or just peeves in general. (Slow walkers who take up entire walkways, anyone?)

Pace Envy

Pace envy. Oh dear God, do I get pace envy.

I'm not fast. I will likely never be fast. It is, in fact, entirely possible that running 5Ks at a 13-minute mile is the best I will ever be able to do. And usually, I'm totally okay with that. Even when I'm running a race, the person I'm competing against is really me, and that nasty voice in my head. 

Except...my friends are fast. They are so much faster than me. And for the most part, I am really happy for them. Because they worked hard to get to where they are, and they deserve every second they shave off of their paces, and I really, really like being a cheerleader from afar when my friends run. 

And then someone will be upset because of how terrible their 5K pace is, and I look it up, and they are nearly twice as fast I am. And I get ugly jealous. The kind of jealous that makes the voice in my head say things like "Well! If he doesn't like that pace, he should just give it to me. I would appreciate a pace like that! He doesn't deserve that pace!" 

So I tell the voice to simmer down. That friend trains hard, a lot harder than I do, and that pace is slower than what they know they're capable of, and their pace has nothing to do with my pace! 

And my inner voice fires back. "Yeah. Because your pace sucks. You are a sucky runner who sucks at running, and you should just never do it again. Because you suck." 

Thank you, inner voice. You're very helpful. Kindly go fuck off. 

Or someone will praise me for what an awesome job I did, while simultaneously bemoaning their own pace. You know, the pace they had that allowed them to finish in time to visit the beer tent, get a banana, and walk back to the 3 mile marker to wait for me? This is the running equivalent of your skinny friend talking about how fat she is, and hastily backtracking when you give her a pointed look. 

In some respects, all I want is to be able to run a race *with* someone. Side by side, urging each other on. But I want to do it without feeling like I'm holding that person back, and right now, that's not really an option. 

The thing about pace envy is that it does serve a purpose. It can be motivational. If I want to shave time off of my own pace, I'm going to have to work for it, just like my fast friends work for their pace. But sitting around and stewing about how someone is faster and it just isn't fair is going to do absolutely nothing to help me. 

And listening to my inner voice is definitely not going to help, because that wench convinces me regularly that I can't run, but I should totally eat my weight in jelly beans. She's not terribly reliable, as it turns out. 

In the meantime, I'll just have to commit myself to working a little harder if I want to be faster, and to remembering the things I have to be grateful for. I can run! Lots of people can't, for various reasons, and I bet they'd want to poke me in the eye if they heard me whine about not being fast enough. And while my pace isn't going to win me any races, it finishes them before the sweep up bus comes along to gather up the stragglers. And at the end of the race, my faster friends are at the finish line, cheering for me. Oh hi there, cheering section! You're all awesome, and let's go get breakfast!