I'm not fast. I will likely never be fast. It is, in fact, entirely possible that running 5Ks at a 13-minute mile is the best I will ever be able to do. And usually, I'm totally okay with that. Even when I'm running a race, the person I'm competing against is really me, and that nasty voice in my head.
Except...my friends are fast. They are so much faster than me. And for the most part, I am really happy for them. Because they worked hard to get to where they are, and they deserve every second they shave off of their paces, and I really, really like being a cheerleader from afar when my friends run.
And then someone will be upset because of how terrible their 5K pace is, and I look it up, and they are nearly twice as fast I am. And I get ugly jealous. The kind of jealous that makes the voice in my head say things like "Well! If he doesn't like that pace, he should just give it to me. I would appreciate a pace like that! He doesn't deserve that pace!"
So I tell the voice to simmer down. That friend trains hard, a lot harder than I do, and that pace is slower than what they know they're capable of, and their pace has nothing to do with my pace!
And my inner voice fires back. "Yeah. Because your pace sucks. You are a sucky runner who sucks at running, and you should just never do it again. Because you suck."
Thank you, inner voice. You're very helpful. Kindly go fuck off.
Or someone will praise me for what an awesome job I did, while simultaneously bemoaning their own pace. You know, the pace they had that allowed them to finish in time to visit the beer tent, get a banana, and walk back to the 3 mile marker to wait for me? This is the running equivalent of your skinny friend talking about how fat she is, and hastily backtracking when you give her a pointed look.
In some respects, all I want is to be able to run a race *with* someone. Side by side, urging each other on. But I want to do it without feeling like I'm holding that person back, and right now, that's not really an option.
The thing about pace envy is that it does serve a purpose. It can be motivational. If I want to shave time off of my own pace, I'm going to have to work for it, just like my fast friends work for their pace. But sitting around and stewing about how someone is faster and it just isn't fair is going to do absolutely nothing to help me.
And listening to my inner voice is definitely not going to help, because that wench convinces me regularly that I can't run, but I should totally eat my weight in jelly beans. She's not terribly reliable, as it turns out.
In the meantime, I'll just have to commit myself to working a little harder if I want to be faster, and to remembering the things I have to be grateful for. I can run! Lots of people can't, for various reasons, and I bet they'd want to poke me in the eye if they heard me whine about not being fast enough. And while my pace isn't going to win me any races, it finishes them before the sweep up bus comes along to gather up the stragglers. And at the end of the race, my faster friends are at the finish line, cheering for me. Oh hi there, cheering section! You're all awesome, and let's go get breakfast!
Hey lady - I hear you. I hear you and I understand and I too, have pace envy at times. But here's the thing - we are doing the best with the time we have to dedicate to this sport.
ReplyDeleteCould I be faster? I'm pretty sure I could be. But can I dedicate more time than I already am to running without taking away from my family or other things? Well, that's where it gets tricky. Furthermore, I feel like I'm really pushing myself to run to begin with so I don't want to be complete miserable whilst doing it. Only somewhat miserable.
I ran with Jay this weekend and we started out together but then I pulled ahead a bit. I considered dropping back but I didn't want him to feel like he was holding me back so I just continued on. At one point I was walking a bit and he passed me. Touche, dude.
Hearing that someone who's pace I actively envy also suffers from pace envy is kind of freeing. (Except I never think the meaner thoughts when I envy your pace. I just think "Damn! My friend Meri is FAST! I hope I can be as fast as her one day.")
DeleteI also appreciate that you acknowledge the "Somewhat miserable" part of the whole running thing. Those people who are like "whooo! I felt great for every single step of that run' make me want to curl up in a ball and cry, because seriously? HOW DO THEY DO THAT? What kind of sorcery is that???
Gah! WHOSE. Not Who's. I think. Great. Now I can't remember basic grammar.
DeleteI wish my inner wench would shut up about the jelly beans too. I gave up my vice with Dr Pepper this week. Since I have been off work since January it has been my coping mechanism. But the Dr Pepper has turned into a 3-4 can/day vice. Not so good for me over all. I am proud of you for keeping up your running. Go A Go! You can do it. Now tell me to get off my couch since I have all this blasted time on my hands. sigh.
ReplyDeleteGood job giving up the Dr. Pepper. Every so often I contemplate giving up caffeine, and then I realize that no one would appreciate that, least of all me. But a multi-can per day habit is not only less than healthy, it's also crazy expensive.
DeleteNow get off your couch, girl. The weather is getting nice! You don't have to go for a run--just go take a walk. Get some air. Reward yourself with a nice, cold Dr. Pepper afterwards!